Tag Archives: spiders

Day 323: thanks and giving to spiders (yes, that’s right, spiders!)

20 Nov

Eeeeeeeeeek! 
What scares you? 

Tonight while I was sitting upstairs typing away on my computer Justin screamed from downstairs.

“Jamie, come here!”

“What?” I asked somewhat annoyed because I didn’t’ want to move or be distracted.

“Come quick!!!”

I had a flash of terror knowing Justin never yells for me in a panic. “Oh, my God are you okay??” I jumped up screaming as I tore down the stairs to see what was a matter.

He stood in front of the bathroom pointing to the wall. “There’s a spider.”

“What?” I laughed and pouted at the same time. “But, you’re not afraid of spiders!”

“I know.” He said and smiled. “But that’s what you sound like.”

I was offended and defended myself. “I haven’t screamed about a spider in MONTHS.”  Months, I tell you.

And, I haven’t.

In my Lovemore+Fearless year I have embraced the arachnids of the world. Well, not really. I have actually just stopped screaming and running into other rooms. But that is HUGE progress. HUGE.

Today I even encountered a roach at my feet.

That’s right, a full fledged, living, breathing, crawling on all fours (or sixes? I don’t know how many legs they have…) right before my very eyes roach.

I didn’t scream or run.
Promise.

It’s amazing what can happen in a year.
I highly recommend it.

So do all the spiders whose lives have been spared. 

And that brings us to THANKSGIVING….
Because when you look up the word SPARED it says:

spared
past participle, past tense of spare (Verb)

Verb:
  1. Give (something of which one has enough) to (someone); afford to give to: “she asked if I could spare her a dollar or two”.
  2. Make free or available.

That’s right — to give instead of to take.

I never thought of my arachnophobia as “taking” something away, but now I see it that way.

  • I have taken time away from my life, and Justin’s life every time I screamed bloody murder in the face of a spider.
  • I have taken many spider lives away too.

But I like looking at it this way, from a GIVING point of view:

  • What else could I GIVE all that energy of screaming and crying and yelling out in the name of a spider?
  • How could I use that energy to fuel my life forward instead of freezing it in terror?

I have begun to see the light on this issue. All because I made a promise to face my fears.

So Happy Thanksgiving and thank you dear spiders. You have taught me a valuable lesson. I promise to continue to be more giving (and thankful) and not run away.

Lovemore+Fearless.
xo~Jamie

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Day 264: f*ing friday :: freeway fright

21 Sep

TGIF.
Today continues the weekly series, F*ing Fridays, which will coincidentally occur on Friday. In Year One, I mentioned some of my favorite F words back on Day 5, including: Fearless, Fabulous, Fine, Fun, Faith, Freedom, Forgiveness, to name a Few.

Last week I dove into the words Funny Things

Today’s F*ing Friday is dedicated to the word:
Freeway Fright

As in, I think I’m going to throw up.

I just got out of a cab that swerved in and out of every single car between JFK and West 57th.

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My stomach is still turning from the tumultuous ride.

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But in New York, I am, and headed to OMEGA we soon will be!

The car ride made me think of all the things I am (still) afraid of…

  • Like the swerving in between cars and trucks and SUVs…
  • Like the ENORMOUS spider that crawled under Brady’s kennel yesterday…
  • Like making mistakes…

I am working on these big ones. And, I have made huge progress this year.

1) I calmly rolled down my window in the crazy cab ride and just let the wind hit my face (instead of gripping for dear life)

2) I calmly asked Justin to remove the spider instead of chasing after it with a death weapon (a.k.a. my shoe)

And…

3) I have to admire the way I handled last Friday’s F-up with our dinner reservation. Sure, I made a mistake, but it was nothing we couldn’t recover from. In fact, I think it made the whole night even better in it’s own f*ing way.

Here’s to being fearless… 
One step at a time. 

Have a great weekend!
xo~Jamie

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Day 210: fearlessly getting my hands dirty

29 Jul

I just washed the final bit of dirt out from underneath my fingertips.
While a Sunday in July may be known as wedding day for many, it was “weeding” day around here for me.

And, I am so proud of myself.
I didn’t shriek once as I buried my BARE hands in the dirt digging for roots.

Before my lovemore-fearless mantra I wouldn’t think twice about wearing gloves on my hands. Before my lovemore-fearless adventure this year, I would have screamed and scrammed at the first sight of a spider too.

But, not now. At least now I pause before I scream.
I credit the Grand Canyon for my newfound fearlessness.

Sure, not wearing gloves in the garden sounds pretty puny to some.
But, to me, it’s a HUGE accomplishment.

And, today, to top it all off, there were no spider sightings. It’s as if those spiders know something in me has changed. As if they are no longer needed.

To that I say (at least today):
Pack it up eight-legged boys, your work here is done. 

 

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Day 154: what do spiders taste like?

3 Jun

I scream, panic and otherwise flip-out about spiders. 
And, this morning, I almost ate one.

I blame multi-tasking.
I break every wellness rule when it comes to eating food slowly, graciously and thankfully. I’m usually scarfing down and nibbling while looking at a computer screen with one eyeball and a fork full of food with the other.

I shovel and type.
Chew and surf.

In between typing/chewing/surfing this morning, as I reached for my spoon and dove in for the very last bite of cereal, I spotted out of the corner of my eye, a not-so-tiny spider. IN MY BOWL.

getting_over_fear_Spider

I have been known to cry at the sight of a spider.
I have jumped, scurried and scampered out of the way.
I have left rooms, well, actually, screamed for bloody murder, running out of rooms — not caring that I was naked.

I have stomped, squashed and smothered spiders to their death.
Just because I am afraid.

Of what?
Oh, I don’t know, blood sucking teeth, maybe?
Believe me, I know, it is totally and utterly irrational.

But, this morning, I am happy to admit, I didn’t panic. I didn’t scream.
And, I didn’t eat that spider.

I spotted it just in time, picked up my bowl, showed it to Justin and then poured it down the sink to its final demise.

What can I say?
It’s not perfect, but it is progress.

I’m working on these fears of mine, as I learn to be lovemore and fearless for my head, heart, body — and the the soul of the spider universe too.

Maybe I should be committed, but instead I will say this: I am committing to digging into this topic even further, starting with this book by Susan Jeffers:
Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway

In the meantime, please feel free to share…
What have you done to overcome your fears?

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Day 203: f*ing friday :: fear

22 Jul

TGIF.
Today continues the weekly series, F*ing Fridays, which will coincidentally occur on Friday. I mentioned some of my favorite F words back on Day 5, including: Fearless, Fabulous, Fine, Fun, Faith, Freedom, Forgiveness, to name a Few.

Last week I dove into the word Float.

Today’s F*ing Friday is dedicated to the word:
Fear

As in, what are you afraid of?

This one is easy for me. I think you already know the answer.
Spiders. Little, tiny, or big and enormous, doesn’t matter.

It’s spiders.

On this F*ing Hot 90 Degree Friday I decided to go outside and sit in the shade with my Kindle in hand.  I was over at Debbie’s house and we just finished our final test run of a new video telecast system when I decided to take a little break and soak in some of this hot, hot, summer day (because if there’s one thing I’m not afraid of it’s a hot summer day).

As I snuggled into a seat on Debbie’s back deck I opened up my Kindle and immediately spotted gray matter moving on my shorts.  And when I say gray matter I mean a 6-legged gray colored spider crawling on my upper right leg, next to my hip bone.

Large. Spider. Crawling. On. Me.

I sprang to my feet and immediately began hitting myself with my Kindle.  The spider didn’t move.  I panicked.  I jumped up and down.  That f*ing spider didn’t budge.  My Kindle wasn’t working in this enormous task and I certainly wasn’t going to touch a spider with my BARE FINGERS.

I was at a complete loss and in a full-on tizzy when I finally stopped jumping and took an entire three seconds to breathe, wind up and deliver one final swing with my Kindle.  I watched in slow-motion as the spider finally lost its grip and fell to the deck.

And that’s when I saw it.
The look on Debbie’s face from inside the house.  It was then that I realized I had just unknowingly displayed my most horrific spider dance of all time right in front of the living room windows.

A little bit shaking, and a little bit embarrassed, I left the deck and entered the house to Debbie’s warm embrace.  “Are you okay” she asked looking both shocked and concerned and protective all at once.

I gave her my most pitiful and embarrassed looked and mouthed the word: SPIDER.

As I described the failed attempts from my swinging Kindle to rid the pesky creature from my shorts (just a mere thread away from touching my bare abdominal skin) I realized the utter ridiculousness of the situation.

Here I am almost 6 feet tall.  Jumping.  Screaming.  Wailing.  Fearful of six little legs of a tiny creature.  Yes, I am, the living, breathing, walking definition of the word phobia.

Fear may be irrational, but it is very real.  In my head it is very real.

As Debbie consoled me she pointed out that even Wilbur, her big white cat, was spooked by my spider dance out on the deck, meowing and calling out to her in fear.

I know, you’re thinking the same thing I am…
That Wilbur, what a scaredy cat!


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Day 192: a weed is a weed is a weed

11 Jul

I pulled weeds tonight: got down on my knees and dug in for some dirty work.  Wait, let me restate that: I wore big plastic gloves while pulling weeds just in case a spider decided to sprint near me.

As I bent over engaged in a wrestling match with the unwanted greenery I had a flash back to the last time I pulled weeds from my mother’s yard.  My sister and I decided we would do a good deed — we would rid her flower garden of the big “weeds” sticking out all over the dirt.  After we unknowingly pulled up all her newly planted flowers we were promptly given the scolding of a lifetime.

I have avoided weeding ever since.

But tonight I decided it was time to dig in.
I armed myself with said spider-proof plastic gloves and soon enough I found myself lost in the dirt.

It’s a wonderful thing to lose oneself for a moment.

As I gripped and struggled to release the roots of one nasty overgrown weed, it held on for dear life.  While tugging away it occurred to me just how simply important this whole process is:  not letting something unwanted grow deep roots in your life.  And how simply obvious it is to remember to pull a weed when it’s small and just a sapling of the giant mess it could eventually become.

Just as I was pondering this very valuable life lesson a black JUMPING spider sprang from the greenery towards me. (May I just add here that it’s a downright dirty trick to give some spiders the ability to jump, as if they’re not creepy enough!)  I shrieked, skidded backwards on the pavement and ended up on my back scratching my butt as I tried to scoot away from the jumpy little thing.

Then of course I looked both ways up and down the street to see if any bystanders observed my odd behavior.  If only they knew that spider was trying to attack me.  If only they saw what I saw!

I am happy to report I continued to weed, with one eye on the ground looking for creepies and the other watching my backside.

At the end of this day, I am reminded part of The Promise 365 is to weed away unwanted patterns and unhealthy habits.  With each one I pull and tug at (sugar!) another seems to appear (spiders!).  Such is the work of tending to my life’s own garden I suppose; the work never ends but if I keep putting in the time the flowers will keep blooming.

Sometimes the hardest part is recognizing a weed for what it is — before it gets too big.

Which brings me back to a good rule of thumb (green thumb that is):
If it looks like weed and smells like a weed … it’s a weed indeed.

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Day 169: do you cry wolf?

18 Jun

There’s something odd that happens when you view each day through a filter of how to take good care of your head, heart, body & soul.

Aside from slight pangs induced by not shopping for new summer garb, not going gaga over strapless sandals, and looking the other way when temptation strikes (I’m talking to you chocolate ice cream!), there’s this other thing that keeps popping up, tapping me on the shoulder, staring me in the face.

My idiosyncrasies.
My own brand of strangeness.
My uniquely odd patterns.

Maybe I have more time on my hands now that I’m not trolling retail shops.
Maybe I am now more conscious of what goes on around me and inside of me.

Or maybe, just maybe, there are other things at play, just yanking my chain for the fun of it.

Like spiders.
I swear they follow me to the bathroom.

And today, a really huge gargantuan one was sitting on the outdoor shower just waiting for me to open the door.

It was so fat and furry I actually thought it was a big bumble bee at first. You know one of those bulbous ones, so hefty it seems impossible to fly.

Well, this one didn’t fly.
At least not on its own volition.

Because it wasn’t a bee, it was a SPIDER.  Just the kind I don’t like: too close to my personal space and in my naked presence no less!

The old Jamie, like six months ago, before The Promise 365 started would have picked up her shoe, screamed bloody murder and struck without regard for life or limb.

The new Jamie, however, was quite calm, poised, as if in slow motion picked up her flip flop, stood an arms length away, turned her head and batted that furry creature into the air.

Okay, so only a slight difference here.

I know that poor furry spider could have quite possibly not survived the harsh flight and may have experienced both turbulence and a less than safe crash landing.

But, I have to admit I am quite proud of myself.

1) for not screaming

2) for not smashing to bits the unassuming spider hard at work on his nest

The only thing I regret?

Not taking a photo before it took flight.
When Justin returned home I tried to explain the gargantuan arachnid that launched a sneak attack on me from its nest inside the outdoor shower, and furthermore, I heroically saved its life by sending it airborne into the lawn instead of smashing it into oblivion.

Justin raised one eyebrow with a sympathetic smile and repeated my words back to me.

“Nest?  You know that spiders make webs, not nests, right?”

Then he very sweetly pointed out that I may not be the world’s most trusted source when it comes to describing the size and shape of spiders, given my storied history of exaggerating the exactness of little creatures and their all out campaigns to terrorize me.

Okay. So, he’s right.
I have cried Wolf Spider one too many times in my life.

But, today, I promise, PROMISE YOU, that spider was enormous.
And, I didn’t kill it.

I let that spider live, or at least fly, for one more day.
Which is another small step for Jamie, albeit one giant leap for spider-kind.

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Day 113: lizards, turtles and alligators, oh my!

23 Apr


Today, we ventured down the boardwalk.
Not the beach. The swamp!

Let me preface this with a disclaimer:

I am deathly afraid of spiders.
ANY kind of spider.
I can spot them out of the corner of my eye, on a ballroom ceiling, from 40 feet away, blindfolded.

It is one of my very real fears.
I completely own it and truly understand the level of ridiculousness this registers on the phobia scale. But, it is wholly, unabashedly, super-ridiculously mine.

Thus, today I ventured into something called a “SWAMP” with great delicacy.
I stick to the boardwalk, read all the signs, follow the paths.

I mean, there are alligators in that water (they say).
We have actually been to Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary a handful of times and never spotted the most prehistoric of crawling creatures.

Until, today.
Not only did we see the GATOR of alligators, rumored to be 40 years old by the volunteer staff, we also spotted a mama alligator sleeping with her eyes shut while tons of little ones crawled all around her in the swampy water.

Ironically, I was completely at peace walking down the boardwalk while snakes and lizards and alligators swerved below.

Now, if there had been a 6-foot long spider down on the swamp floor, I would have sped out of swampland faster than you could say, “Get Me Off This Ride!”

I’m not sure if I chose my fear, or if it chose me.
My mother swore the first time I ran screaming bloody-murder to save my life from the throws of a teeny-weeny bug was in response to a dead fly.

A dead fly upside down.
In my bathwater.
When I was three.

Apparently, I tore out of the bathroom, wet, naked, crying, and yelling: “Bug!”
It was the first of many de-bugging runs to come in my lifetime.

So, today, I was quite proud of myself when I held the camera still enough to get this shot:

Sure, the photos of alligators, snakes, lizards and other killer animals are more impressive.

But this photo, of a little web, well, it took more courage, more resolve, more commitment on my part.

And, I didn’t even turn and run screaming down the boardwalk looking for the first exit. I stood my ground.

Right there, something slightly shifted inside me.
Instead of seeing my life flash before more eyes, I saw a beautiful web, the amazing work of this little spider glistening right before me.

Thanks Corkscrew.
Not even Charlotte’s Web was able to do that.

Now, I’m not saying I want to start a spider adoption agency.

I’m just saying that I can almost see another side of this equation.
And, maybe that’s what those spindly little spiders have wanted me to see all along.

Score one for my head.

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Day 39: fear, food and failure

8 Feb


The three things I fear most:
1) cooking
2) cantaloupe
3) spiders

I’ll tell you why.

Let’s start with the obvious: spiders.
When I was twelve years old, doing my duty of trimming the lawn, I bent down to move a large rock out of the way (heading my father’s advice to never put the trimmer blade over a rock for fear it would ricochet up to my eye socket and leave me blind), just as I reached the tip of the rock it sprung eight legs and scurried up the fence.

I did what any rationale twelve year old girl would do …shrieked and ran away.

I fear spiders. I am completely aware of the fact that it is irrational, ridiculous and quite silly. But I do.

Cantaloupe.
Actually, I fear ordering any fruit in a restaurant.

Every time I order a fruit salad it comes with cantaloupe. Blahhhhk!  Cantaloupe contaminates everything it touches. Cantaloupe juice leaks out of each little rind and infects the strawberries, bananas, blueberries and raspberries with toxic cantaloupe taste.

Watermelon I can live with, but cantaloupe is just icky and restaurants are quite nonchalant about where they put it — like on my plate!

Cooking.
I love eating, but I hate cooking. It drives me crazy. I don’t like the planning, the measuring, the recipe following. If it were just up to me, I could exist on coffee and granola with a heap of salad on the side, thank you very much.

That was a long story to tell you this: I failed.
I am no longer cooking. My strategy to cook every other day has fizzled. I am a total failure in the culinary department. I just stopped doing it. It was part of my promise to cook every other day, and I’m not.

It makes me think: Maybe I bit off more than I can chew?

It’s like Goal Setting 101.
So, now, instead of cooking every other night, I will do the food shopping. Start at square one, first base, walk before I run… you get the picture.

I am still learning what goes into my food (as well as where the hell they keep the ground mustard in the grocery store). In the meantime, I am very fortunate to have a partner who loves to cook.

I can do lots of wonderful things in the world with my skills and talents, but whip up a chemistry experiment (a.k.a. dinner) with raw ingredients is not yet in my repertoire. And that’s okay.

Maybe I am afraid of failure. Maybe I just don’t value spending time in front of the stove. Maybe, I just need to find more motivation. I don’t know.

I do know this:
If it is not working, try something else.
And, shopping! That, I can do.

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