Archive | 9:36 PM

2014 BLOG – DAY 58 :: lean in or opt out?

27 Feb

So there are days and then there are days. And, today, well has been one of those days.

My annual OB appointment.

I was actually delighted to go to the doctor today. Just approaching the women’s center made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It was beautiful. Like a spa. All tranquil with waterfalls and pretty landscaping. Ahhhhhh.

I made a pact with myself that this would be the start of a whole new experience with me and doctors and appointments since my track record hasn’t been so good.

I instantly loved my new doctor. She seemed to be close to my age. She was fun to talk to. She gave me a list of the best restaurants in town. I almost asked her on the spot if she wanted to be friends. Since I can use some new friends in this new town that we live in. But that seemed a little unprofessional, or at least a little too forward as I sat with my feet in stirrups stripped down to my skivvies.

Then, she dropped the bomb. As she did the annual breast exam she found a lump.

“What???” I shrieked. It felt like a cruel joke.

“Don’t panic.” She said. “No panicking. I can move it around. That’s a good sign. I’m not concerned.” She talked me off the pretty, pretty walls of the exam room.

Right. Breathe. No panicking. I’m not panicking. Wait. I am panicking. My thighs started sweating. My head started spinning. I didn’t even feel the pelvic exam. Because I was panicking.

Because this was supposed to be my new start. My GOOD appointment.

Since then, the mamo has been scheduled. My heart rate has done somersaults. I have calmed down and now I wait.

It’s a funny thing, this living in a woman’s body. The hormones. The cycles. The thyroids. The breasts. Why can’t they all just get along?

And then I remembered my promise of peak performance. And I remind myself that this is what I’m good at: staying the course, perseverance, surviving, moving through, day by day.

As I sit here tonight, I think of the latest woman power mantra of “Lean In” and I realize that all I want to do is “Opt Out.” I want to just wish this away. I want it to quietly retreat, disappear and disintegrate. I want to opt out of the panic, the worry, the stress.

So I vow not to panic. It’s useless anyway.
Besides, the doctor isn’t worried.

I toyed with not even writing about this, because hey, that would be one way to opt out. But then I had an epiphany. Or, at least a slap across the breast sort of reminder.

I am not the only one. This is bigger than me and my two boobies. It’s something we all get to share, in the this thing called womanhood.

As I reflect tonight, my only regret is this:
I should have asked her to be my friend.

I’m guessing I will have another opportunity.
Until then, no panicking.
Doctors orders.

More tomorrow.
Lovemore {fearless}
Jamie

 
 
{how was your day?}
%d bloggers like this: