JAMIE’S BLOG – YEAR 8 – DAY 39 :: oh joy

10 Feb

I am laughing at myself tonight.

It seems that my promise of “joy” has me experiencing the opposite. Well, maybe not the opposite… wherever you would place stress on the joy scale – that’s where I was today. Mostly because I was not in control.

Control is a funny thing. In some ways, I think total control over all circumstances is very joyful. And then, in so many other ways, I know that total control is my blind spot. The place where I don’t see what’s best because I’m trying to see only what I want to see.

And that’s when I have to remember to breathe.  

Sometimes the best choice is just to breathe. In and out. And if I can remember to do that, I think I can stay in that joyful place where I want to be.

This is coming from the woman who was voted “most likely to be happy in a nuclear holocaust.” True story. It was college. And that’s the award I won. Label bestowed upon me by my peers of course.

In general, and on most days, I live up to that label. That’s how I have survived cancer three times with a smile on my face. I have racked up a lot of life lessons that way. I am the queen of positive perseverance.

So, why is it that sometimes the little, every day, minutia of things can throw me into a tailspin? I don’t know. But I think it has something to do with control — and expectations.

I expect to control my everyday events. I don’t expect to control major life-altering situations. Those, I leave up to God, The Goddess, The Universe and all her magic combined.

But, you know…The last roll of toilet paper! …The car breaking down! …The dog getting up at 4 am to use the bathroom! Well…. those things still have my number. They get my goat. They ring my bell.

Ah, joy. I know you have a lesson in here for me. It’s coming. I can feel it. Bring it on.

Until then…
I breathe.
In. And out.
And, I admit – there is joy in that.

More tomorrow…



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