Tag Archives: fear

JAMIE’S BLOG – YEAR 6 – YOGA DAY 249 :: saving a spider

12 Sep

Day 249: Hero.

Today I saved a spider. A little, itty, bitty spider hiding out in my bathroom. This is only significant because the OLD ME would have flushed him down the toilet. Or stomped on his head. Or crushed him against the wall with my gargantuan size ten shoe.

The NEW ME took out my “spider jar” (a salvaged glass pickle jar) and gently coaxed him into it, telling him stories of how wonderful it would be to live outside. And then I released him (or Her …because maybe it was a girl? or a Mama?) to the wind. Or, rather, the bark at the base of the bushes.

And, how does that make me feel?

Like a hero. A superstar. A woman who has conquered her fears (relatively enough to talk to a spider) and let it go free. And maybe that’s one tiny step for me but it could be one giant step for mankind? And you know what… it feels good to be a hero, even if only to one little spider.

Namaste mother spider. Namaste.

More tomorrow.
Lovemore,
Jamie

{being gentle}
#lovemoredomore

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JAMIE’S BLOG – YEAR 6 – YOGA DAY 27 :: hip, hip hooray

27 Jan

Day 27. Fearless.

Tonight I learned something. We store our fear in our pelvic area, hip, hip hooray! Actually I did a gentle hip-opening. And I followed along with pigeons and frogs and whelp! a few painful moments. Or rather a flashback to my childhood “I can do the splits” moments.

(Side note: Do all children do the splits… they must, right? And who teaches us to do the splits in the first place? No real life adult I ever met in childhood could do them…although maybe now with yoga…)

Anyhoo, it has me thinking about love and fear and all that must be stored down there. Which brings me to this video on: Labels.


Maybe a hip opening is really a mind opening?
The hip bone’s connected to the brain bone…

More tomorrow.
Lovemore,
Jamie

{connected?}
#lovemoredomore

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2014 BLOG – DAY 61 :: how not to give up …or (holy) blessed socks

2 Mar

It was a year ago that I gave up.

It was February 2013 when my thyroid reared it’s bumpy head. As soon as the shock wore off I gave up. I stopped working on key projects I had on my plate and I stopped writing the manuscript I had been working on.

I just didn’t have it in me to continue. Not while I was in “the waiting place” trying to figure out which foot to put forward. Actually, I was trying to figure out which direction was forward.

As we know, everything turned out fine. Surgery, results, all benign! Whew! And that’s when I began writing again.

Ironically, just as February closed out last week, just a year later, another bump made itself known inside my body. Consequently, I again stopped my morning ritual of writing.

But this weekend I woke up with an epiphany.

RESISTANCE.
Coined by Stephen Pressfield, the concept applies to all creators:
___
“Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.”

― Steven PressfieldThe War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles
____

Is it ironic that I have run into two bumps in the road in the month of February? One year apart? Right in the middle of my best writing streak ever?

Is it resistance?
Maybe. Maybe not.

One thing is for sure. This time, I am not giving up. No matter the outcome or diagnosis, I am pushing through. I am writing. I will finish the manuscript. I will continue with my schedule. I will continue go to the gym. I won’t break my stride.

So today I returned to the gym and my peak performance schedule. As I undressed to take a shower I looked down at my toes.

Right there, before me, was a holy blessing:


(holy sock compliments of Brady)

And it confirmed exactly what was going through my mind:

Ain’t nothin’ gonna to break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on movin’

More tomorrow.
Lovemore {fearless}
Jamie

{how do you keep moving?}

2014 BLOG – DAY 56 :: return of the creepy crawlies

25 Feb

The phantom spider is gone. 

I spotted it in the kitchen today at high noon. Just as Justin walked into the kitchen I looked up and pointed.

“See!!” I was ecstatic. “There it is. The spider!”

I felt like I had won a game of hide and seek. Actually, I felt sane. Like I hadn’t been imagining a huge, black spider that only crawled on the kitchen walls just for me.

“Ah, do you want to play with it?” Justin asked as he reached up to grab it.

“No!” I screamed.

“I thought you liked spiders now.” Justin smiled as he whisked the spider off the wall and it fell into Brady’s dog crate. Now we had to try to find a black spider in a black metal dog crate.

Justin tipped the crate from side to side looking for the fuzzy, black thing. Brady ran around in circles, expecting something very exciting to happen. We had, after all, invaded his space.

Justin finally spotted the spider, clinging to one of the metal bars of the crate and scooped it up in a napkin. He then walked outside and release the poor little spider (Did I say little? It was huge).

If you’re keeping score, here’s the standings:
Spider = 1
Jamie = 0
Brady = best. day. ever.
Justin = my hero.

As for peak performance?
None for me today.

More tomorrow.
Lovemore {fearless}
Jamie

{what’s haunting you?}

BLOG – GIFT DAY 292 :: an abundance of scary spiders

19 Oct

In keeping with my promise to seek abundance, here’s my Abundance Photo of the Day… a scary-big spider.

We live in Spider Town USA.  At least it seems that way.

There is nothing short of an abundance of spiders here in Southern Oregon.  Even the big cat spider that lives outside our bedroom window, is still weaving her web, repairing it daily.

Not too long ago I would have killed them all. Stomped them with my shoe.  Squished them with a napkin.  Brushed them away with a broom.  All dead.

But now that rarely happens. I must admit, I still do kill spiders. Like when I’m naked in the shower and see one creeping towards me.  I can’t help it, I’m vulnerable.

However most of the time I don’t.  I capture them in a glass jar that sits next to my desk.  I shuffle them out the door on a piece of paper.

The difference is slight really.
It’s just that now ….I try. 

I try to give those creepy crawly things the benefit of the doubt. I try to find another option (other than annihilating them from my base boards).  I try to think of a different outcome before I reactively grab the shoe off of my foot and raise it above my head.

Try. Try. Try.
And, really that can make all the difference.

If nothing else, it will save lives.
At least some creepy crawly ones.

More tomorrow.
Lovemore {fearless}
Jamie

{what are you afraid of?}

GIFT DAY 094 30-day gratitude challenge: day 18 – lean in to courage

4 Apr

Day 18 over here….of the 30-Day Gratitude Challenge.

What are you grateful for today?

My new hobby is tracking my pH balance. Yesterday I was dark yellow. Today I am closer to green. Green is good! The pH has gone up past 7.0 according to my pH sticks which is more alkaline. And that’s good — the lemons in my water must be doing their job.

ph balance, jamie eslinger, thepromisedaily.com

Lovemore Fearless!
That’s my mantra. And today, well… I cried my eyes out with a lot of fear and then love and then fear and then some more love.

I showed up for my thyroid ultrasound early, after mustering up all the courage my bright smile could handle.

(Did I tell you I was once voted Most Likely To Be Happy In A Nuclear Holocaust? True story. I was in college. And, today, I felt so very not myself.)

While laying on the radiology table I sent consistent messages of love and joy to every fiber of my body. I joked around with the radiologist. We plotted a plan for the hospital to offer foot massages and salt scrubs…. and then…

I sat in the nurse’s chair to have my blood drawn. As soon as she pulled out the fist full of viles my stomach turned.

There were more than ten plastic viles sitting on the table below. Before the needle even appeared my eyes began watering.

“Are you okay?” The nurse asked me.
“I might pass out,” I tried to joke but I couldn’t stop the tears.
“Do you want to lay down?” She asked.
“It’s not physical,” I tried to explain. “It’s emotional.”

The procedure began. The needle poked. The nurse stopped.

“Are you holding your breath?” she asked me.
“Maybe?” I answered, not sure if I was still breathing.
“Don’t hold your breath, or you will pass out.” She smiled.

I sat there with streams running down my face, wondering, “Why am I crying.”
And that’s when the answer hit me. “I’m scared.”

That’s the funky, funny, not so ironic thing about f*Ing fear. It usually sneaks up from behind, catches you off-guard when you least expect it. In public no less. With a needle jammed up your arm and ten plastic viles being filled red.

So what did I do?
I let the tears fall. Facing my fear, in living color, crying out loud, on the spot.

And I prefer to call it courage.

So, today I am grateful for:

1) Making lemons into pH lemonade
2) Tears
3) Courage

What are you grateful for?

More tomorrow.
Lovemore (fearless),
Jamie

{Your turn! Share what you’re grateful for in the comments section below. Courage.}

GIFT DAY 064: are you pushing my fear button?

5 Mar

Justin interrupted me today. 

Because he HAD to show me this video online. He PROMISED me, “it’s funny.”

The video is of a cat who jumps a foot in the air every time the Mario Brother’s video game makes a “boing” sound.

cat fear, getting over fear, jamie eslinger, thepromisedaily.com

The cat has no idea where the sound is coming from. The cat reacts instinctively by jumping up in the air and out of harm’s way.

The video is funny because you (the viewer) know what the sound is — and the cat doesn’t.

The video is funny because you have special insight, you know there is nothing to fear.

And that made me laugh.

Because really, we all have that power.

Fear is like a button on a video game.
It gets pushed when we can’t see in the dark. Or when we don’t understand what’s coming next, or when we walk on stage.

Or when we want something really, really, super, duper, extra-special bad that it gives us a tummy ache.

That’s easy to say.
The hard part is turning the fear button off when it gets pushed and makes your stomach go BOING!

But that’s where our power comes in. In the middle of the night, in the middle of the dark, when you find yourself in the middle of the stage, it’s time to push the LOVE button.

I know this from my year of swimming with sharks, rafting the Grand Canyon (sleeping next to scorpions!) and facing my biggest fears.

I know this because love and fear can’t co-exist. They don’t play together.
They are two totally separate, different, incompatible video games.

Question is… which one are you playing?

More tomorrow.
Lovemore (fearless),
Jamie

{What do you love more than you fear? Share in the comments section below.}

deepak_nothingisimpossible

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Because nothing is impossible.

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Day 323: thanks and giving to spiders (yes, that’s right, spiders!)

20 Nov

Eeeeeeeeeek! 
What scares you? 

Tonight while I was sitting upstairs typing away on my computer Justin screamed from downstairs.

“Jamie, come here!”

“What?” I asked somewhat annoyed because I didn’t’ want to move or be distracted.

“Come quick!!!”

I had a flash of terror knowing Justin never yells for me in a panic. “Oh, my God are you okay??” I jumped up screaming as I tore down the stairs to see what was a matter.

He stood in front of the bathroom pointing to the wall. “There’s a spider.”

“What?” I laughed and pouted at the same time. “But, you’re not afraid of spiders!”

“I know.” He said and smiled. “But that’s what you sound like.”

I was offended and defended myself. “I haven’t screamed about a spider in MONTHS.”  Months, I tell you.

And, I haven’t.

In my Lovemore+Fearless year I have embraced the arachnids of the world. Well, not really. I have actually just stopped screaming and running into other rooms. But that is HUGE progress. HUGE.

Today I even encountered a roach at my feet.

That’s right, a full fledged, living, breathing, crawling on all fours (or sixes? I don’t know how many legs they have…) right before my very eyes roach.

I didn’t scream or run.
Promise.

It’s amazing what can happen in a year.
I highly recommend it.

So do all the spiders whose lives have been spared. 

And that brings us to THANKSGIVING….
Because when you look up the word SPARED it says:

spared
past participle, past tense of spare (Verb)

Verb:
  1. Give (something of which one has enough) to (someone); afford to give to: “she asked if I could spare her a dollar or two”.
  2. Make free or available.

That’s right — to give instead of to take.

I never thought of my arachnophobia as “taking” something away, but now I see it that way.

  • I have taken time away from my life, and Justin’s life every time I screamed bloody murder in the face of a spider.
  • I have taken many spider lives away too.

But I like looking at it this way, from a GIVING point of view:

  • What else could I GIVE all that energy of screaming and crying and yelling out in the name of a spider?
  • How could I use that energy to fuel my life forward instead of freezing it in terror?

I have begun to see the light on this issue. All because I made a promise to face my fears.

So Happy Thanksgiving and thank you dear spiders. You have taught me a valuable lesson. I promise to continue to be more giving (and thankful) and not run away.

Lovemore+Fearless.
xo~Jamie

Day 228: can your printer do this?

16 Aug

Today, while working away, I noticed something strange on the printer: 
January 26 in big letters and numbers on the eery green screen.

My birthday is January 26.

How did the printer know that?

I have never noticed this before.

Does it always say January 26?
Am I that unaware of my surroundings?
Or, does the printer just love me?

Probably not the latter since I wrestled with it for the last two days  as it gobbled up every sheet of paper in sight, crumpling up bits of black-ink sprayed 8.5 x 11 dead trees inside its guts.

Paper Jam.
Paper Jam.
Paper Jam.

It screamed at me, until I finally had enough and pulled out my last resort: the OFF button.

And, then, when I turned it back on, the All-In-One printer said: January 26.
As if trying to say, “I  know who did this to me.”

Or, maybe it was trying to say, “Happy Belated Birthday.”

Who knows…
It remains a mystery.

I am a little afraid.
So, I did a little research to see if there is a word for this fear of machines, and there is:  Xeroxophobia: fear of using anything made by Xerox, or fear of office equipment in general.

Now that’s a fear I didn’t even know I had (or maybe have).

I can’t wait to see what the printer says tomorrow. 

Day 219: three things i love more than chocolate (today!) fearless, fun, boston!

7 Aug

So many things to be grateful for today, in this Three Things I LOVE More Than Chocolate (today!) series.

Love is greater than fear.

And, today, My friend, Cindy Loughran, gave these tips on stage at Tory Johnson’s Spark and Hustle Tour in Boston to help you overcome your fears.

7 Steps for Overcoming Your Fear:

1) Clarify your goal

2) Identify your fear

3) Identity your limiting beliefs

4) Seek contrary evidence

5) Envision and embody success

6) Create a concrete action plan

7) Get support and get started

And, it couldn’t be better timing.

As I drove down my old street in the South End, I realized this was the first time I have visited Boston that I felt no fear, looking at my old condo building and hanging out in my old haunts.

It’s truly a new life. How refreshing!

I was overjoyed to see Lan, at my old nail spot, remember me when I walked in the door. It’s been years since I’ve been back to her salon and she still remembered me.

How fabulous, how fun!

20120807-225053.jpg

I don’t know why I was afraid Lan wouldn’t remember me. Maybe because it has been three years? Maybe because she has so many clients you can literally feel a breeze in her salon from people walking in and out the door?  Or, maybe, just maybe, it’s because I have grown so much in my own heart and head over these last three years I hardly recognize myself?

No matter the reason, it was great to see a familiar face and a friend, and realize despite the time and distance, some things never change.

Like a really great pedicure…
Where everybody knows your name.

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