So there are days and then there are days. And, today, well has been one of those days.
My annual OB appointment.
I was actually delighted to go to the doctor today. Just approaching the women’s center made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It was beautiful. Like a spa. All tranquil with waterfalls and pretty landscaping. Ahhhhhh.
I made a pact with myself that this would be the start of a whole new experience with me and doctors and appointments since my track record hasn’t been so good.
I instantly loved my new doctor. She seemed to be close to my age. She was fun to talk to. She gave me a list of the best restaurants in town. I almost asked her on the spot if she wanted to be friends. Since I can use some new friends in this new town that we live in. But that seemed a little unprofessional, or at least a little too forward as I sat with my feet in stirrups stripped down to my skivvies.
Then, she dropped the bomb. As she did the annual breast exam she found a lump.
“What???” I shrieked. It felt like a cruel joke.
“Don’t panic.” She said. “No panicking. I can move it around. That’s a good sign. I’m not concerned.” She talked me off the pretty, pretty walls of the exam room.
Right. Breathe. No panicking. I’m not panicking. Wait. I am panicking. My thighs started sweating. My head started spinning. I didn’t even feel the pelvic exam. Because I was panicking.
Because this was supposed to be my new start. My GOOD appointment.
Since then, the mamo has been scheduled. My heart rate has done somersaults. I have calmed down and now I wait.
It’s a funny thing, this living in a woman’s body. The hormones. The cycles. The thyroids. The breasts. Why can’t they all just get along?
And then I remembered my promise of peak performance. And I remind myself that this is what I’m good at: staying the course, perseverance, surviving, moving through, day by day.
As I sit here tonight, I think of the latest woman power mantra of “Lean In” and I realize that all I want to do is “Opt Out.” I want to just wish this away. I want it to quietly retreat, disappear and disintegrate. I want to opt out of the panic, the worry, the stress.
So I vow not to panic. It’s useless anyway.
Besides, the doctor isn’t worried.
I toyed with not even writing about this, because hey, that would be one way to opt out. But then I had an epiphany. Or, at least a slap across the breast sort of reminder.
I am not the only one. This is bigger than me and my two boobies. It’s something we all get to share, in the this thing called womanhood.
As I reflect tonight, my only regret is this:
I should have asked her to be my friend.
I’m guessing I will have another opportunity.
Until then, no panicking.
Doctors orders.
More tomorrow.
Lovemore {fearless}
Jamie
{how was your day?}
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Tags: annual appointment, appointment, doctor, hope, lean in, lovemore fearless, ob, obgyn, opt out, peak performance
The Promise 365 